I Need You, But I Need Me Too: A Meditation on Modern Intimacy
We live in an era obsessed with boundaries.
We celebrate independence, praise detachment as emotional maturity, and raise an eyebrow at anyone whose love feels a little too consuming, too dependent, too much. Somewhere along the way, dependence became a dirty word.
But intimacy — real, alive, shape-shifting intimacy — is relational by nature. And the “Self” is revealed in the space of relationship.
As Esther Perel writes, “We used to look to religion for meaning. Now we look to our romantic relationships.” Love has become not just a source of comfort or connection but a spiritual project. Yet, that longing can feel dangerously close to dependency, especially in a culture that tells us that needing others is weak and that the highest form of love is self-sufficiency.
Sometimes, it’s hard to voice and the tension between the two statements feels impossible, but deep down, the longing still exists:
I need you.
But I need me too.
The Fear of Merging
Psychologist and author David Schnarch once wrote, “Intimacy is not about merging. It’s about knowing who you are and letting someone else in.” And yet, many of us carry a fear, either conscious or inherited, that closeness will cost us our autonomy. That to be loved is to be swallowed.
This fear has led to the rise of what’s often referred to as the “co-dependency panic.” In popular culture, any strong emotional reliance on a partner is quickly labeled co-dependent, toxic, or “too much.” But this framework can be limiting, especially when we conflate interdependence with dysfunction.
As psychologist Margaret Paul notes, true co-dependence is about self-abandonment, not closeness. It's about over-responsibility for another person’s feelings, often at the expense of one's own. But human beings are inherently wired for emotional dependence.
We are not meant to go it alone.
The Self Is Relational
In attachment theory, safety comes not from avoidance but from knowing you can turn to the other and be received. Secure attachment is not the absence of need: it is the freedom to need, without shame.
But we’re also in a moment of cultural and psychological awakening where individuation matters. Where we are finally asking: What do I want? Who am I outside this relationship? These questions are not threats to connection; rather they are doorways into a different kind of intimacy. One where both people can breathe.
As psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin writes, "Mutual recognition requires both acknowledging the other and being recognized in return." Modern intimacy, then, asks us to hold both selves at once (mine and yours) and to stay curious about the space between.
From Enmeshment to Expansion
The question is not, Am I too dependent? but rather, Is this a space where I can bring my full self and still stay connected?
In relationships built on enmeshment, there is a fusion of identity, where differentiation feels unsafe. But in conscious partnership, the goal is not separation. It’s expansion. Can we grow alongside one another, without losing what is most vital in each of us?
The Both/And of Modern Love
So what does it mean to need someone and yourself?
It means choosing a connection that doesn’t collapse your boundaries or punish you for having them. It means letting yourself be witnessed in your vulnerability, not pathologized for it. It means staying close to your desires and naming them.
Modern intimacy is less about merging and more about meeting. Over and over again. With honesty. With choice.
With enough room for both of you to stretch.
Citations & References:
Benjamin, J. (1988). The Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem of Domination.
Paul, M. (2002). Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.
Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships.
