Why do I shut down when my partner pushes for resolution?

Full Question: “Whenever my partner and I get into a disagreement, I completely shut down. I feel overwhelmed, and I just want to walk away or go silent. But my partner always pushes to talk things through right away, and it makes me panic even more. They say I’m avoiding the issue—but I feel like I literally can’t engage in that moment. What’s going on? And how do we stop this cycle?”

Response:

When conflict happens, each person’s nervous system responds in the way it learned to survive discomfort. If you shut down, it’s likely your system is entering a dorsal vagal response (a freeze or shutdown mode) because it’s perceiving the situation as too much, too fast, or too threatening to process in the moment. That doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means your body is trying to protect you.

Meanwhile, your partner, who likely leans more anxious in their attachment style, might be pushing for immediate resolution because conflict feels like disconnection. And disconnection feels intolerable. For them, talking it through right now is the only way to soothe the fear of abandonment or rejection.

So what happens? The more one person withdraws, the more the other pursues. The more one pursues, the more the other shuts down.

What You Can Do:

If you’re the one shutting down, you’re not broken, and you’re not “bad at communication.” You’re overwhelmed. But your silence might be unintentionally triggering for your partner. The key is to signal safety while still honoring your need for space.

Here’s a phrase to try:
“I care about this, and I want to come back to it. I just need a little time to settle so I can be present.”

That tiny shift of naming your need while affirming your connection can change everything.

And if you're the partner who needs immediate closure, your work is to practice tolerating the space. Regulating yourself through the pause is an act of care, too.

Regulation isn’t about fixing your reaction. It’s about learning to recognize it and share it in a way that suits the dynamic.