Can You Heal a Relationship by Naming Its Pathology?
Question: My therapist recently told me I, the "empath", might be caught into a narcissist-empath dynamic. I do love my partner for who they are deep down and can see how they are struggling. I keep holding on to the hope of seeing this relationship improve and I do want to help them. However, they seem very much blinded by denial, blame-shifting, and resistance to criticism. I have not shared with them what my therapist told me yet. Should I or would that risk creating a rupture? And if yes, how should I introduce this topic to them? They are already very familiar with the concept of narcissism and they themselves say they have a narcissistic father, boss and ex-husband. Can a romantic relationship with a narcissist-empath dynamic become healthy and fulfilling for both partners or is it destined to fail, considering the partner with the "narcissistic-leaning" is not clinically disordered (doesn't have the actual personality disorder)? Thanks a lot.
Response:
When people use the language of “empath” and “narcissist,” they’re often trying to make sense of power and vulnerability in a relationship. But those labels, while descriptive, can also harden our understanding of the other person, and of ourselves.
In reality, most relationships contain both needs: the wish to be seen and the fear of being exposed. What matters is not whether someone shows “narcissistic tendencies,” but how flexible the dance between you is. Can you both take turns leading and following? Can you express needs without being punished for them? Can you disagree without fear of abandonment or humiliation?
Before you share your therapist’s formulation, ask yourself what you want that conversation to do. Do you want to diagnose, or do you want to connect? Labels can sometimes be empowering to have a better understanding. But, if you lead with the label, your partner may feel pathologized or attacked, and that will likely deepen the very defenses you’re trying to soften. But if you lead with your experience (“I feel unseen when we argue,” “I find myself trying to rescue you instead of being with you”), you invite curiosity rather than defensiveness.
As for whether such a relationship can become healthy: sometimes, yes, if both people are willing to see the pattern and take responsibility for their side of it. But it requires two forms of courage: yours, to stop rescuing, and theirs, to look at what lies beneath their defenses. Love alone isn’t enough; mutual accountability is what transforms the dynamic.
You don’t heal a relationship by naming someone’s pathology. You heal it by changing the pattern together.
