Is “no contact” necessary?
Summarized Question: After a breakup, everyone says to go “no contact” to heal. But what if both people still care for each other and want to stay connected, not to rekindle, but to honor the good parts of what they shared? Is there a healthy way to keep some gentle contact, with clear boundaries, without making the grief harder?
Response: Breakups are rarely about the absence of love. They’re about the recognition that the container you were using to hold that love can’t hold it well anymore. And when the container changes shape, the relationship has to change with it. That’s where the grief comes in. You’re not just mourning the person; you’re mourning the structure that allowed you to be in connection… one that you recognize no longer fits.
No contact is extremely difficult. And, it can be necessary to have a period of limited or forbidden contact to let both of you take the space you need for the relationship to transform. This itself can be an act of love. What happens if you reframe no contact as a sacred pause so something doesn’t get built out of habit or longing?
And yes, it can feel brutal. Especially when you still care, still appreciate them, still feel grateful for the parts of the relationship that actually worked. So, in this question, take a look at the parts that hurt. And know you have the choice to weather the consequences of repeating those.
Maybe you do want to engage in behavior that you know brings up pain. What do you need after the experience? What experience do you want to have? Sure, no contact is the fastest way to rewire your nervous system. But people are more complicated than recommended fixes.
For most people, there needs to be a bit of distance to let the old structure collapse so the new one doesn’t become a quietly distorted version of the relationship you just left. But what do you want to feel or experience in this connection? And what behaviors allow you to get there? What feels good, and what brings up pain you don’t want to experience?
Full Question: I keep hearing that after a break-up, especially after what can be perceived as an unhealthy relationship, going ‘no contact’ or creating a firm separation is often considered necessary in order to heal and move forward. Is there a way to make that grieving process less painful?
If two (recently) ex-partners still genuinely care about one another and appreciate the good parts of their connection, is there a healthy way to cherish those positive aspects and practice some of that appreciation in a reasonable, limited way, with clear boundaries, while still creating enough distance for both people to separate and move forward with their own lives? Maybe have the occasional phone call or text, or even watching a movie together while not being physically in the same place? Also, without explicitly framing it as “let’s try to be friends” (even though that’s what it is, but we can’t really say that, right?). Thanks for your much appreciated insight.
