How would you define an abusive partner?

Full Question: How would you define an abusive partner? Can a partner be "abusive" because of their own internal suffering, while still loving you and caring for you, and once you identify/treat their internal pain, their behavior changes and the abuse dissipates?

A gentle note before we begin:
This question touches on the very real, very painful complexities of staying in relationships where harm is present. While emotional nuance can exist in many situations, abuse is never acceptable and it is not your responsibility to heal someone who is hurting you. If you are in an unsafe situation, I encourage you to reach out for support. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or thehotline.org.

Answer:

Someone can love you. They can be in pain. And still, it can be abuse.

We’re often taught that “abusive” means monstrous, unloving, or intentional. But many abusive dynamics are rooted in people’s inability to regulate themselves, tolerate their own emotional discomfort, or take accountability for the impact they have.

That doesn’t make it your job to stay.

The question here is not: can they get better if I stay long enough?
It’s: What does it cost you to keep absorbing the damage in the meantime?

Love isn’t proven by how much harm you can hold.
Abuse doesn’t stop being abuse just because it is followed by an apology.

You’re allowed to have compassion for someone’s suffering and draw a boundary around your own.

And if you're wondering whether something is abuse — chronic control, fear, volatility — it’s worth listening to that whisper.