How can I tell the difference between avoidant attachment/fear of intimacy and simply not being interested in someone?

This is one of the most quietly agonizing questions we ask ourselves in modern dating.

Because when you're self-aware, you know about your attachment style, your history, your patterns, you start wondering: Is my disinterest real? Or is it a trauma response?

Here’s the hard truth: it can be both.

So instead of asking “Am I avoidant or disinterested?” ask yourself:

Who am I in their presence?

Do you feel anxious, like you’re managing their experience of you?
Do you feel flat, like you’ve left the room and your body forgot to follow?
Or do you feel calm, but underwhelmed? Like you're doing your best impression of attraction?

Then ask: If I knew I wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings with my response, what would I do?

Avoidance often feels like panic.
Disinterest often feels like dullness.
But real fear of intimacy? That feels like a yearning you can't access. A door that’s half-open but impossible to walk through.

If someone feels safe, available, and open, but still, something in you contracts, you’re allowed to name that. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re noticing. And sometimes noticing is the most loving thing you can do — for yourself and for them.

Desire can’t be guilted into existence. It asks for honesty, not obligation.

If it’s fear, be curious.
If it’s disinterest, be kind.
If it’s both, be gentle — and don’t make yourself choose too quickly.