Am I not experiencing love? Or just too afraid to feel it?

Full Question: How do I know if I don’t have romantic feelings for anyone or if I’m just not capable of feeling those things anymore? I have never had a fear of getting close to anyone until very recently, and now getting into a relationship is so terrifying but I still crave connection. I can’t tell if I’m not developing romantic feelings for these WONDERFUL and HEALTHY and OPEN people because they aren’t right for me, or because I’m too scared to let myself have feelings for anyone. Afraid to let good people go (or worse, hurt them by deciding down the road that they aren’t right for me) but also scared to commit to something that isn’t right.

Answer:

This question is already so full of care. That alone tells me you are still more than capable of feeling all the things.

There’s a quiet ache in the in-between space you’re describing. You’re craving connection, but closeness feels like a risk. You’re meeting kind, emotionally available people—people you should be able to fall for—and yet, nothing moves. Or maybe something almost moves, and then doesn’t. And you wonder: Is something wrong with me?

Let’s start here: the absence of desire does not mean the absence of capacity. Sometimes, it just means something inside you is protecting itself. And the more “right” a person is on paper, the louder that protection can get. Something in you senses: This could matter. This could go somewhere. This could change me. And change, even beautiful change, is terrifying.

There’s also this: when you’ve known any kind of emotional injury — be it heartbreak, disappointment, or simply the accumulation of small relational wounds — your system learns. It adapts. It becomes cautious. Sometimes, it even becomes numb.

This numbness isn’t failure. It’s armor.

But armor can feel like emptiness. It can feel like disinterest. And that’s the trick. You’re not incapable of love. You’re just not sure it’s safe yet. And because you're self-aware, you don’t want to hurt someone else in the process of figuring that out.

That’s not coldness. That’s conscience.

Here’s something else I’ll offer: romantic feelings don’t always announce themselves with fireworks. Sometimes, they arrive quietly, on the other side of time and trust and safety. Sometimes the spark isn’t missing… it’s just afraid of burning too fast, too soon.

So what if you didn’t force a conclusion right now? What if the goal wasn’t to know but to notice?

Notice how your body feels around these people.
Notice when you tense, when you soften.
Notice who you want to text at the end of a long day.
Notice who you feel curious about.
Notice who lets you be seen without having to perform.
That is data, too.

You don’t need to be completely healed to enter into something real. You just need to be honest—with yourself, and with them.

There’s no perfect way to protect others from our uncertainty. Relationships come with risk. But that doesn’t mean you’re unsafe, or unlovable, or emotionally unavailable. It means you’re human — and you’re listening closely.