Why do I feel like I lose myself every time I get close to someone?

Q: Why do I feel like I lose myself every time I get close to someone? I start grounded, but once I get attached, I feel like I dive into anxiety or become overly attuned to the other.

A: When we start to care about someone, old attachment maps get activated. Not consciously, at least most of the time. The body remembers what closeness used to mean: responsibility, unpredictability, rejection, abandonment, pressure, caretaking… whatever your early version of “love” looked like.

So when you get close to someone now, your nervous system asks:
Do I need to protect myself? Do I need to manage them? Do I need to shrink?

In relational psychology, this is understood as self-other differentiation: the ability to remain connected without collapsing into the other person’s emotions, needs, or imagined expectations. It’s not a static trait but a developmental process shaped by early caregiving, cultural narratives, and the patterns we internalize over time.

When differentiation is low, intimacy feels like a place where we must choose self or connection. When differentiation is higher, intimacy becomes a space where we can hold both. That doesn’t mean perfect boundaries or emotional detachment; it means developing the capacity to stay in contact with your own internal signals while staying present with another person.

You don’t have to detach. It’s about learning how to differentiate.

If you are interested in differentiation work, feel free to reach out to talk about how I can support you.